sooo sleepy, want head to touch the pillow....

um yeah, so i still havent started this life changing journey i so dream about. to be honest i havent had a minute to spend for myself and the upcoming few weeks arent looking any more free for me. granted, i do watch a lot of tv and i could fit it in so really im just making excuses but sooner than later i will get to the point of starting.

its labor day weekend upcoming and im looking forward to that, then i gotta go to a friends wedding out of town the following weekend. im supossed to go to a friends bday party out of town the weekend after that and its prom theme. who makes a fat girl try and find something prom when we are 32 years old? ugh.

then the weekend after that it is my birthday and people are asking me what i want and for the first time in my life i dont want to do anything.

i just want my laundry done, my apt cleaned, my grocery shopping done for  me and meals cooked. can i put that on my bday list?

not about me

this weekend is not about me. although it is a reflection on me and my party throwing skills. its funny because im throwing a party for someone who deosnt really know what to expect becuase she has never had this kind of party before. oh well, im sure it will be awesome. and she and her man deserve it.

my true procrastination skills are coming into full effect right now. i shouldnt be blogging i should be at the cake store!

song of the day is jason mraz' Anything You Want. a-freakin-mazing.

party on wayne! party on garth!

peace out

pbnj

instead of ordering pizza, i had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner. and a string cheese. okay two string cheeses. but that's still gotta be better than delicioud papa john's cheesesticks right?

i think so. one small teeny tiny kinda sorta good step in the right direction.

hello how ya doin

Hi there. I am starting this with baited breath and I'm not sure how its going to turn out. I have found a few peoples blogs on here that i like to read even though I have no clue who they are, and I thought maybe if i start one and i actually start this long journey i need to go on it would be cool to have my thoughts from the beginning here to look back on. maybe i can help someone like this other girls blog makes me feel hopeful.

so, to begin. i need to lose weight. like a lot of weight. i dont know exactly how much i weigh now but it doesnt really matter becuase the amount i need to lose is well over 150 lbs easy. and thats not be become a skinny bitch, thats just to be normal. i dont know if i can do it but i want too so badly. ive dreamt for years to be on the tv show biggest loser but ive resigned to the fact that thatll never happen and i need to start on my own.

my problem is i have no motivation. im so fucking lazy. i smoke, i drink, i order pizza at least once a week. so much so that i have to alternate the type of pizza i order from because the delivery guys know me. how awful is that.

i just realized something. by me typing this shit it makes it real. none of my friends know that i order pizza so much, and they are all physically fit and because they love me they ignore and deal with my obesity by ignoring it. they would support me 100% if i started an excersize/diet plan, but i feel like when i admit it its so scary to start.

here are some real life reasons why i need to lose weight: i want to ride rollercoasters, and aside from disneyland i doubt ill fit on any of them. (not to mention that walking around the park will have me drippping embarassingly in sweat which will make it no fun) when i last went to the airport, one of the attendants asked me if i would be comfortable sitting in the seat. little did she know that i had stolen the seat belt extender from my last flight so i didnt haveto ask for it on my next 4 flights that were coming up.

let me just breakdown all the different places i want to fit in comfortably that i have experienced as a fat person: seats at a basketball game, concert seats, movie theatre seats, patio furniture, roller coasters, clothes, a life jacket, seatbelts in my friends cars (comfortably-- they fit but barely). the list could go on.

i want to shop. at stores other than lane bryant and torrid. i barely fit in those clothes now. none of them look cute. i want to wear cute stuff! im sure so many fat people say this and i can relate so much to them.

i want to go clubbing- something ive never done.

i want to go to eurpoe and just mosey around. something i could do now but it wont be as great as it will be if i were fit.

i want to water ski.

i want to snow board.

i want to surf. hell ill settle for going to the beach and being comfortable in a bathing suit.

i want to find the right guy. and soon. so i can have the perfect wedding on the beach and then have babies.

actually my dream for years has been to fall in love at a concert of a certain band which shall not be named.



so what do i do now? where do i begin? im sure all you gym going people are like "go to the gym idiot" but do you realize that all the skinny fit people there stare at me? constantly. funny thing is is that i like the gym. its fun. a few years ago a group of girlfriends and i started going and i had some success. then when my bday came around i somehow fell off the wagon.

i need to come up with a plan. and then i need to start this fucking plan. i'm not looking forward to it. can i skip to the results and happy life?

please?